This week in counseling I was struck with how some husbands do not believe they should have to take responsibility for how they make their wives feel if the husband does not intend to offend. It is as if a husband should not have to apologize if he accidentally offends his wife, after all, he did not really mean to. He reasons that it is his wife’s fault if she feels a way that he had not planned.

Empathy is one of the rules of living relationally which occurs when we take responsibility for the total effect we have on others regardless of whether we aim to have the effect them the we did. I am bothered by the effect I have on my wife if the effect is not positive. I do want her to spend the rest of her life being happy that she picked me. Having a negative effect on her (purposed or not) is just the opposite of that which ultimately works against our relationship.
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When you think about marriage, specifically, there is hardly anything a spouse can do that does not affect his or her spouse either positively or negatively. So, the next time you elicit a negative effect upon your spouse (intentional or not), take responsibility for that effect and issue a sincere apology, quickly. You will thank yourself for it!

This week in counseling I had to remind a few clients that the past is not much good for anything except to forgive, forget or maybe learn from. Careless communicators will often be accusatory and defensive when they bring up their spouse’s past. Bringing up someone’s past is a way to punish someone. This is hardly something the fosters safe and calm communication.

Couples with poor communication skills often use the past as a weapon. It is highly effective when it comes to shutting down a conversation, or making someone angry, or worse, making him or her feel guilty. Using the past to weaponize your conversations is a surefire conversation killer.
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When trying to foster good communication with your spouse, be intentional to not bring up the past unless it is for good. For example, I really loved it when you would… Leave the past where it lies, and your relationship will be the better for it.

RELAXATION SKILLS

The coronavirus has left many people in need of relaxation. I am seeing an uptick in the number of clients who have anxiety due to COVID-19 restrictions. The magic of anxiety is that can affect our thoughts, our feelings and even our bodily functions. One way to beat the effects of anxiety on the body is to employ the three relaxation skills: progressive muscle relaxation, guided imagery, and slow diaphragmatic breathing.

Progressive muscle relaxation involves focusing on different groups of muscle to make them as relaxed as you can. You can start with your feet and progress all the way to your scalp.

Guided imagery is focusing on an image in your mind that brings you peace of mind.

Slow diaphragmatic breathing is when you focus on breathing by making your stomach go up and down instead of your chest. This is how you breathed when you were newly born.
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It is best to be rehearsed in relaxation skills long before you need them. It is helpful to practice at lease one of these each day to form the habit and then when anxiety comes to visit, you already have experience on what to do.

This week in counseling, I told the story about when my wife and I explored the foothills of Mt. McKinley (Denali) in 2009. The bus driver stopped and said we could get out and look around. If we came upon a grizzly bear, she told us to just yell at it and it will run away. The reason for this, she said, was the most powerful thing in the wild is the human voice.

This reminded me that the human voice is the most powerful thing in another realm. The realm of secrets. Secrets can produce shame and guilt that keeps intimate relationships out of reach. But a more powerful force than secrets is the power of the human voice. When we speak our secrets in a safe way, they lose their control over us.
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If you find that a secret is preventing you from enjoying a closer relationship, try applying the power of the voice by speaking it. It is the final triumph.