Blog

A Heart Above Your Own

3/8/2024

In a 1997 motion picture, For Richer or Poorer, a New York socialite couple played by Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley are headed for a divorce while on the lam in an Amish community hiding out from the long arm of the IRS. Their relationship seems doomed until a wise farmer tells Allen’s character, “You’ve got to look inside your heart and put her heart above your own.”

This has been my favorite video to recommend for couples who have, what Jesus called, “Left your first love” (Rev.2.4, NASB). Forgetting why we got into marriage in the first place can lead to the relationship falling apart. The way back to repair is keeping the other person’s heart above your own.

If you are struggling with a marriage that seems to be falling apart, putting your partner’s heart above your own can make all the difference. You may get back what you’ve long lost.

Marriage v. Card Deck

2/2/2024

The Psychology of Christmas

12/16/2023

Researchers have long known that Christmastime affects marital satisfaction both positively and negatively. On the positive side marriages benefit from shared traditions, quality time, expressions of love and gratitude, and gift-giving associated with Christmas.

But, there is also a dark side to the effect of Christmas on marriage relationships. Financial pressure, family dynamics, time management, and the disappointment from non-realized expectations can all bring challenges to any marriage.

The best way to navigate the negative aspects of Christmas on your marriage is to pursue better communication, mutual understanding and adjusting expectations closer to reality. It is also helpful to manage these stressors as a team. The shared experience will help you find the joy that Christmas is supposed to be about. Have a Marriage Christmas!

PRONOUNS

11/18/2023

Couples are becoming less and less likely to put their incomes into the same pot. She has "her" bank account, and he has "his." They view both their incomes and bills as "his" and "hers," as if they were some sort of merger or business partnership.

But, when you were married, the preacher said that the two of you have become “one.” You are no longer individuals but “one.” Your finances become one. You and your spouse’s incomes are “one.” Your individual bills became “one.” Your finances should be as united as you are.

One of the ways we can live as the “one” we are is to instead of thinking in terms of “me” and “mine” think in terms of “us” and “ours.” Her income is both of "yours." His income is both of "yours." After all, the two of you became "one" and your finances should reflect that. There is a lot of talk about pronouns these days, but the only pronouns couples need to concern themselves with are “us” and “ours.”

Apologies

10/19/2023

The best way to apologize depends on the situation and the people involved, but there are some general principles that can guide you in making a sincere and effective apology:

Take Responsibility: Begin by acknowledging your mistake and taking full responsibility for your actions. Avoid making excuses or blaming others.
Express Regret: Show genuine remorse for the hurt or harm you've caused. Use words like "I'm sorry," and convey that you understand the impact of your actions on the other person.
Be Specific: Explain what you're apologizing for. This shows that you've thought about the situation and understand the details of your mistake.
Listen and Validate: Allow the other person to express their feelings and reactions. Listen actively, and validate their emotions. Saying something like, "I understand how that made you feel" can go a long way.
Offer to Make Amends: If appropriate, offer to make things right or provide a solution to the problem. This could involve taking corrective action, making reparations, or finding a way to prevent a similar situation in the future.
Learn and Change: Express your commitment to learning from your mistake and changing your behavior. This demonstrates a sincere desire to prevent a recurrence.
Give Space: Sometimes, the other person might need time and space to process your apology. Respect their need for space if they ask for it.
Follow Up: After some time has passed, check in with the person to see how they are feeling. This demonstrates ongoing concern and shows that you value the relationship.
Use the Right Medium: The medium of your apology matters. Sometimes, face-to-face apologies are best, but in other situations, a written or verbal apology might be more appropriate.
Be Patient: Not all apologies are immediately accepted. Give the person time to consider and respond to your apology, and be patient with their feelings.

Remember that a sincere apology is not a guarantee that the other person will forgive you or that the relationship will return to the way it was. Apologizing is about taking responsibility for your actions and expressing regret, not controlling the other person's response. Also, make sure that your apology is genuine and not manipulative. People can often tell when an apology is insincere.

Finally, it's essential to learn from your mistakes and strive to avoid repeating them. Consistently demonstrating changed behavior is a crucial part of making amends and rebuilding trust.

Forgiveness

9/7/2023

The definition for “forgive” in the American Heritage Dictionary is “To give up resentment against or stop wanting to punish (someone) for an offense or fault; pardon.”* How healthy can a relationship be when we hold resentment or the desire to make our partner squirm?

Healthy relationships with imperfect people require forgiveness. Forgiveness says, “I excuse your imperfection for the sake of the relationship.” In fact, forgiveness prevents us from needing to be perfect in the first place. Relationships with imperfect people cannot survive unforgiveness. One of the reasons relationships become unhealthy is the cessation of forgiveness.

If your relationship has been hurt by resentment, remember your relationship with an imperfect person can only last if your forgiveness can cover the other’s imperfection. We all need to be forgiven and we all need to give it.
Please E-mail me your questions on forgiveness if you have any.

* Downloaded from https://www.ahdictionary.com/word/search.html?q=forgive on September 7, 2023.

Boundaries

7/24/2023

Boundaries are the extents we must go through to protect ourselves from being hurt by our hurt relatives. A good boundary answers the question “How close can I get to a hurting family member and still show the relative love without being so close that I get hurt?” An example may be, “If my dad starts drinking at the party, I am going to get out of there.”

It isn’t enough to set a boundary; we also need to respect our boundaries. It is not the hurt relative’s job to respect our boundaries. It is not even necessary for the family member to know our boundaries. We respect our boundaries by making good on the ones we set.

If you have a family member that you are so close to that you get hurt, you may want to consider setting and keeping a boundary with him or her. It may take some practice to find the balance between love and protection.

Verifying Negative Assumptions

3/12/2023

Albert Einstein is credited with saying, “Assumptions are made and most assumptions are wrong.” In marriage there are many assumptions and most of them are wrong.
These assumptions pertain mostly to our spouse’s motivations and intentions and then we act on these assumptions. If Einstein is right, we waste much relational time on these negative assumptions only to find out later we are wrong.

The next time you have an assumption about your spouse, why not verify with your spouse that your assumption is correct?

Wake up the genius inside you.

MARITAL ALLOWANCE

8/1/2021

THE MAGIC OF MARRIAGE is that opposites attract. This means that savers are attracted to spenders. Many of my therapy clients are in conflict over spending. A good way to resolve the conflict is to adopt a policy of marital allowance.

Marital allowance occurs when you and your spouse agree to the maximum amount of money either of you can spend on any particular item without approval by the other. When I was first married not only was I broke, but I was also in debt to my fianceé. She is the saver, I am the spender. Our first argument was over $80 I spent on some snow boots. We decided then that the best way to reign in my financial habit was to settle on the amount I could blow without her approval. We agreed on $20. It is still that way 44-plus years later.

The amount of the allowance is almost irrelevant. Some of my clients set theirs at $100, others at $300. The issue is agreement, rules, and follow through.

If you find that financial arguments are commonplace, you may want to consider adopting the policy of marital allowance. It has worked for me, my clients, and it will probably work for you.

DEBT

7/18/2021

This is my second installment of three on finances. Many of my therapy clients are incumbered with debt. One of the best ways to get out from under debt is to pay-off the debt early.

One of the best ways to pay-off debts early is to focus on the loan payment. When you make a loan payment, the payment goes towards the principle and includes interest. Principle is the part of the loan payment that is applied to what is left of the original loan that you borrowed.

Interest is the amount you pay to a borrowing institution for the privilege of buying down the principle. You must keep paying interest along with the principle until the principle is zero. It stands to reason that if you must pay ex amount in interest, you might as well put as much into the principle as you can each time you pay for the interest. As an added benefit as the loan continues, you pay less interest per month making it cheaper to pay-down the principle.

Paying-off the debt early occurs when you make more than the minimum loan payment. Any amount more than the minimum loan payment you make is automatically applied to the principle which makes paying-off the load early a possibility. If you have a car loan for $30,000, for example, it may take 5 years to pay off the loan making the minimum loan payment. But you can pay-off the loan in half the time if you add a certain extra to the minimum loan payment.

Try to figure out a way to add additional principle to every debt payment you make can since you are already paying for the right to buy own the principle. This will help you get out from under debt sooner.