This week in counseling I was struck with how some husbands do not believe they should have to take responsibility for how they make their wives feel if the husband does not intend to offend. It is as if a husband should not have to apologize if he accidentally offends his wife, after all, he did not really mean to. He reasons that it is his wife’s fault if she feels a way that he had not planned.

Empathy is one of the rules of living relationally which occurs when we take responsibility for the total effect we have on others regardless of whether we aim to have the effect them the we did. I am bothered by the effect I have on my wife if the effect is not positive. I do want her to spend the rest of her life being happy that she picked me. Having a negative effect on her (purposed or not) is just the opposite of that which ultimately works against our relationship.
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When you think about marriage, specifically, there is hardly anything a spouse can do that does not affect his or her spouse either positively or negatively. So, the next time you elicit a negative effect upon your spouse (intentional or not), take responsibility for that effect and issue a sincere apology, quickly. You will thank yourself for it!

This week in counseling I had to remind a few clients that the past is not much good for anything except to forgive, forget or maybe learn from. Careless communicators will often be accusatory and defensive when they bring up their spouse’s past. Bringing up someone’s past is a way to punish someone. This is hardly something the fosters safe and calm communication.

Couples with poor communication skills often use the past as a weapon. It is highly effective when it comes to shutting down a conversation, or making someone angry, or worse, making him or her feel guilty. Using the past to weaponize your conversations is a surefire conversation killer.
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When trying to foster good communication with your spouse, be intentional to not bring up the past unless it is for good. For example, I really loved it when you would… Leave the past where it lies, and your relationship will be the better for it.

RELAXATION SKILLS

The coronavirus has left many people in need of relaxation. I am seeing an uptick in the number of clients who have anxiety due to COVID-19 restrictions. The magic of anxiety is that can affect our thoughts, our feelings and even our bodily functions. One way to beat the effects of anxiety on the body is to employ the three relaxation skills: progressive muscle relaxation, guided imagery, and slow diaphragmatic breathing.

Progressive muscle relaxation involves focusing on different groups of muscle to make them as relaxed as you can. You can start with your feet and progress all the way to your scalp.

Guided imagery is focusing on an image in your mind that brings you peace of mind.

Slow diaphragmatic breathing is when you focus on breathing by making your stomach go up and down instead of your chest. This is how you breathed when you were newly born.
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It is best to be rehearsed in relaxation skills long before you need them. It is helpful to practice at lease one of these each day to form the habit and then when anxiety comes to visit, you already have experience on what to do.

This week in counseling, I told the story about when my wife and I explored the foothills of Mt. McKinley (Denali) in 2009. The bus driver stopped and said we could get out and look around. If we came upon a grizzly bear, she told us to just yell at it and it will run away. The reason for this, she said, was the most powerful thing in the wild is the human voice.

This reminded me that the human voice is the most powerful thing in another realm. The realm of secrets. Secrets can produce shame and guilt that keeps intimate relationships out of reach. But a more powerful force than secrets is the power of the human voice. When we speak our secrets in a safe way, they lose their control over us.
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If you find that a secret is preventing you from enjoying a closer relationship, try applying the power of the voice by speaking it. It is the final triumph.

This week in counseling a few of my clients needed reminding they are not the total sum of what they have done or what has happened to them. In fact, the real you is what is left after you strip away your experiences. If we do not, we view our self-worth through the lens of shame.

The lens of shame limits our self-worth to be no greater than our worst shame. Many of us are not proud of what we have been through. When we use shame to define ourselves, we always undervalue our self-worth.
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The human condition is such that we usually see only ourselves through the lens of shame. We do not value the worth of our friends, or even our pets, in terms of their experiences. We take them at face value apart from what they have been through. We should step back and apply to ourselves the same criteria that we use to determine the worth of others.

​https://youtu.be/mbmAVNaGL3k

This week in counseling I have had a rash of clients who have become disenchanted about who their partners have become after first love. It reminds me of buyer’s remorse. We create a relationship with something, and then regret it.

Marriage can be like that. If we don’t put our best foot forward, we run the risk of not falling in love. The downside to being in love is that we stop being the people we really are. The real us doesn’t come around again until after the wedding, and then comes buyer’s remorse.
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This Valentine’s Day make a commitment to preventing your spouse from having buyer’s remorse. Instead, do something that will make your spouse glad they married you and don’t give buyer’s remorse a foothold. 

A couple came in for therapy this week. She said the problem is that he never comes home for week—night dinner. He denied that. Rather, he said the problem was communication. They both have a point. The real problem is that the couple cannot communicate about his not coming home for dinner.
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Arguments often arise when we communicate passionately about a certain subject. The subject triggers aggression which stymies communication. So, the wife wants to talk to her husband about his dinner attendance, but he doesn't want to. When his wife brings up the subject, he gets heated, she gets heated, an argument starts, and a fight ensues.
 
What’s a couple to do? Most arguments are a timing issue. If both of you are discussing a sensitive subject and one of you becomes unpleasant or unsafe, call a time-out and wait until cooler heads prevail to reengage. No sensitive subject will become a win for both of you while one or both of you are over emotional. The more rational person should suggest a better time to resume the conversation when both of you have on your adult hats. That is the time least likely to cause an argument.

​FORGIVENESS
 
Something that has come up a few times in therapy this week is the need to put the past behind us. Dwelling on the hurt of the past is one sure way to bring our bad past into our good present. Forgiveness is a good way to leave the past behind. Some clients identify with the fact that they must wipe the slate clean in order to start over. My sister-in-law, Marilyn, asked me just today, "How did you stay married for 43 years?" It did not take long to answer, "We just keep forgiving each other!"
 
On the other hand, resentment or unforgiveness hurts relationships as well as the resentful person. Someone once said, "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting your spouse to die." It is a self-inflicted wound.
 
Forgiveness is not about forgetting with your mind, it is about forgetting with your heart, i.e., not treating someone as if they hurt you. If you must treat your spouse like he or she has hurt you, then you have not forgiven.
 
Why not give forgiveness a try, today?

You can tell how healthy your marriage is by asking, "How well does my marital relationship illustrate the four "C"s?" They are:

Commitment
Caring
Conflict resolution
Communication

Your marriage is only as well as it exemplifies these four areas. If you are not sure, ask your spouse. It may help to rate each area on a scale of 1 to 5 and then ask, "How can we get these numbers higher?"

I was seeing this couple once when the husband said, "Our marriage is over. I just can't forgive her anymore." I thought that was pretty intellectually honest. He understood that there is no way a marriage can survive without the element of forgiveness. He was unable to forgive and the marriage was doomed. Learning to forgive is a great way to save a marriage from certain divorce. Wouldn't it be worth saving your marriage if all it meant was to learn how to forgive?